eulogy

The following was written on August 16, 2015 and I feel enough time has passed that I can share it now. If the person this was written about reads it, I hope they know I still very highly regard the time we shared, and wouldn’t change a thing.

So here’s what’s happening right now: a quiet Saturday evening, crickets and a cool breeze. A snack of shrimp “cooked” in lemon juice with sea salt, thyme & shallot, drizzled with good olive oil and garnished with some charred cherry tomatoes. A not-quite-chilled-enough glass of Peñedes, but it’ll do. A bouquet of flowers I bought in a lame attempt to cheer myself from a loss that, although I predicted it long ago, was nonetheless heartbreaking.

I don’t know how to say this and I may regret writing it. But someone very, very dear to me has, for reasons known only to that person, chosen to withdraw their already tenuous friendship from my life. I’ve wanted to write about this person before, because they amaze and thrill and delight me, but for reasons of privacy I kept it to myself. Perhaps down the road, with distance, I can tell our story, but not any time soon.

My reaction to this loss was surprisingly calm. I had always known there was an inevitability of our connection dimming (for a multitude of reasons I can’t get into), but I always thought it would be a gentle tapering off, where we gradually stopped spending time together but remained friendly acquaintances. That was actually more or less already happening, and although it didn’t make me happy, I accepted that this was the natural order of things; a friendship like ours, while a thing of beauty, just isn’t cut out to be sustainable. When we unexpectedly hung out recently and had one of the best times I’ve had all year (and maybe with anyone ever), it was a pleasant surprise, but I didn’t see the overall trajectory shifting. What I should have remembered was that every previous time this person had pulled me in a little closer, they subsequently felt the need to shove me away with an even more violent force.

For most of my friendships, although I try not to be demanding, I have a very basic set of social expectations, of the sort that most of us do. However, ours was a different story. I had learned with this person a while ago to accept only what they were freely offering to me, and not to ask for, let alone demand, anything more than that. My time with this person was so special that I was willing (and more or less happily so) to forgo my usual friend expectations: text me back in a semi-timely manner, let’s hang out sort of regularly, etc. I quickly learned to hold back, take cues and wait until I was called upon to spend time with, rather than suggesting any social activity.

This may sound to most people as if I was some sort of doormat, desperately waiting around for a phone call or text. Not at all. In fact it was strangely liberating to have this kind of a friendship. For perhaps the first time in my life, I knew for an absolute fact that I accepted someone 100% for who they are and not anything that I wanted or wished they would be. And as a person who has spent far too long in unhappy situations because my expectations on others ultimately led to disappointment, it made me so incredibly happy to know I was capable of that! I don’t think I could say that before about anyone who wasn’t my immediate family member (or maybe my best friend A). This was huge progress for me personally, and has carried over into other aspects of my life and other relationships. In fact I think a big reason why I’ve been able to let go of so much anger and be at peace with M is a direct result of what this friendship has taught me. It’s made an immensely positive difference in my life.

What I’ve thought about in the last few days is this: I still love this person dearly. I’m very much hurting. I don’t at all understand their actions, which were swift, angry and honestly a bit cruel, but clearly the 100% acceptance thing wasn’t working both ways and I suppose this is just something they felt they needed to do. I have no choice or say in the matter. With other friends, I’d likely have attempted a reconciliation by now, but I don’t think that’s the thing to do here. Perhaps in time they’ll reconsider, and I really hope that’s the case. But no matter what happens, they can never take away the happiness I experienced being part of their life. They can never erase the beautiful memories, the corny inside jokes, the meals we prepared and shared, the philosophical discussions, the music we played each other, and the absolute sense of psychic connection with another human being. I will cherish all of those things even if they can’t or won’t, and my memories won’t be diminished by this act of severance. My heart is full of both love and sadness, but at least it is full, and that is something to be grateful for.

***

Postscript: Months went by in which I neither saw nor spoke to this person. On my end, I was afraid to reach out because I didn’t want to push or force anything (and probably also because I didn’t want to suffer more rejection.) Eventually we saw each other, and much to my delight and relief, big (and sincere) hugs were exchanged. These days we don’t really interact anymore except when we run into each other around town, but that’s ok. Just being able to appreciate what we had, and knowing that we are at peace, is enough.

 

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